the thing is...

Attempted a philosophical exercise intended to release me from the universe’s ethical chains. It was in reality something of a poor version of crime and punishment; I stole some money and put it on a horse in the belief that the universe would conspire to make me win and so help me on my way to becoming a superman: no longer fettered by the chains of morality da di da… Raskilnikov went to prison and my horse lost. So it has gone with most of my projects of this kind, though in my youth I managed to subvert nearly all of my inherited morality; a process that has indelibly marked me with a deep distrust of youth. An attitude inevitably placing me at odds with a society that so venerates tight bald innocence. We are all given a moment in life when we may reform or erase everything grace has provided in that brief, eternal spell from birth to the first sticky sprouting of tufting aggressive indolence and self assurance. For me it was an impossibly angry blackness, ignorance tinted and flecked with Sicilian intractability, the fundamental problems with this project are painfully obvious in hindsight and hysterically accurate as my present analysis may be it does very little to ease my subsequent psychological distress. My psyche like a woman scorned; hates the part of myself rejected by my ‘brothers’ and hates more the brothers. Significant in this fractured narrative is an uncle who only showed awe in the light of my transgressions: pride in his nephew’s atrocities. At drunken wedding he would warn with glee the weak white progeny of his recent wife: “they will kick off your door while you sleep! Or even while you’re awake! They don’t care! They’ll do anything! Those boys… my boys… my boy.”
“Thanks dad”
But to be fair my dad is dead and would have singularly disapproved, disavowed and disowned all those things than are the preserve of the living. Unless you are Confucian. And it was perhaps for that reason; desiring direct interference from my ancestors, ancestor. I adopted a friend’s Chinese family: ate eggs filled with ducklings, dropped ‘l’s’ and gambled.